Seasonal State of Mind

Remember when a corridor and four bare walls in private kept you together? When fifteen minute walks towards the sun led you to angels and plagues, to evenings by the woods and a glass menagerie? You were sleepless on air under the ceiling, under the sky, under the moon. Cotton blue and white twinkles spared you the complete darkness and emptiness. The consequence of sound kept you from solitude while a well-spoken poet drifted you into the land of words and stirred you to speak up. She granted inspiration as easily and thoughtlessly as breathing. What was the name of that face, and those friends you made you haven’t seen since? You miss them all, I know. You easily miss because that’s your way and in a place of constant change, spin, and new it hurts, I get it. New windows; long, tall, and wide. Different sights to see, moving pictures of life. Your reality on display. Are you looking? Lying on the carpet by an overstuffed animal next to friends you felt you were falling, with pleasure and ease even when you eventually fell asleep on your bed. Days with glasses of wine won over the hours locked behind doors. The thing is you never bumped into walls, you hugged them like people. Remember when you caught that tear with your finger? You didn’t know it was there. And when you realized your phone worked better than paper and it made you so sad you almost despaired? You looked forward to piercing blue eyes and warm husky voices. They were the reason for many things, where did they go? They lasted a while, and it was sweet. Unlike the pieces of paper, that spat open-ended questions in your direction, and it made you uncomfortable. How did you deal? Moments like that you couldn’t conjure up anything pithy to say. You felt like an idiot and you mentally unraveled in front of your peers, guts on display, your face a twitch and violent red. You carved paths of destruction those days you decided to ignore, and they were the saddest. Like not living. Livid tones and a panic rush, you knew then you’ve gotta sway yourself a little bit harder. Cups of coffee, healed all. Empty pizza boxes by the mattress and bags of treats made everything alright. Looking back is hard, like forgetting you lived. Faces blur into nothing, and names get lost in a space of things that don’t make it past the month. But you fall in love with strangers everyday. You wipe your mind clean, and the body still misses.
Be still.

Summer Blaze

Defined prominently by the long months blurred into short sensitive tempered weeks. The queen of hours wasted lies in bed, sprawled lazily across the mattress. Body pressed down against the sheets, beads of sweat rolling down her neck and down her back. August spent largely in light silks with bare feet on lukewarm carpets. Her eyes settle on too much skin and bottomless wary eyes. Every night seems fused with daybreak. Nestled on the couch, with the fan swishing above her head, she stares at the wooden paddles rotating like mad because she has the time. The arms wave at her, making her dizzy. Lose strands of hair wave back and get caught on her eyelashes. Time keeps its distance and slips into a taunting grin. How clever, how will she ever secure a hold on time’s wrist from so far away? Let it go.

Crumbs on her pillow, dust in her eye, her heart in her throat. Morning’s luster stirred up picnics in her head, lounging below the roaming bees and twitching leaves. And at sundown, when the soft purple hues in the sky are touched by bright red, nobody understands her then. She looks up at the scarlet sky as clouds wrap around the sun like cryptic lovers. There’s nothing so dazzling, so right, so perfect. Summer gave her a night in the arcade, her eggshell limbs carried her to the prizes while strange faces bore into her pupils. And the brightly lit lightbulbs tirelessly blinked at her till farewell relieved the flickering winks.

Sans vibrant sun rays, night walks induced the greatest marvels. On one such starless walk, fireworks lit up the night sky with flashes of rich colors, all so bold and dazzling. In the forefront, a man played the violin with fervor and grace, his face glowing like diamond skin. The soft wind in her hair, whispered life secrets into her ear and for a brief, never-ending second all the things right in the universe caressed her cheek. Its touch seemed to brush beneath her skin, peeling back layers of fear, swarming past her interior to the bones of her face. Such heavy splendor. Eyes alight, her mind unraveling. She stared slack-jawed in silence and pushed back the thick veils of unconsciousness. Only then can reality tether her to the top of the earth and she willingly obliged.

Summer carried her home in purring vehicles, past the buzzing towns and flashing lights with no trail to trace. She wrecked the waves and loved sailors lost at sea. Be like water she thought. But she wandered too far from home drawn by wicked rugged faces with twinkles in their eyes and syrupy sweet voices. Sweet breath down her skin, they hovered close and murmured in her ear velvet-soft promises like shattering glass. Three years she drifted back home with a headache in her chest. Calmer hours of darkness she spent probing deeper into the tangled layers of her memory, reminiscing on love that dwindled prior to it’s shot at life. Now bound like an anchor chained to the bed of the ocean, ice crystals form in the creases of her eyes, and melt in the summer blaze, falling down weightless to the ground.
“Don’t let yourself be lost,” I tell her.

6 am Traffic

In a haze of red and green lights, past the swift blur of onward motion, I settle on the the occassional yellow, soft white gleams and inhale the icy breath of dawn. Cool, clear, crisp invading my interior, slipping down my throat, my lungs. Sun rays reflecting off the moons surface dancing on my window sill. Outside the world purrs, nebulous and gentle. I focus on the melody; the beat, the vocals. I drift directly into the resonance, fearless and detached. The insatiable pull of song wins.

Where is rational thinking? Sheer reality? Nonexistent.

The morning star beams and I’m slipping through nitrogen and sunshine, floating freely. Cool, clear, blue. Pinch back any ounce of frustration. Get over the roar, the vibration, the pointless chatter. I try to focus. Push aside all malicious manifestations; uninvited, and undesired in my morning lullaby. My heart keeps pace with the drums. Deep breaths come and go and ah, there it is. I’m focused. The disarray put to bed. Skin tucked in, eyes filled with sapphire blue, I focus on the only meaningful sound. The only thing that makes sense.

The other side of reality

If I sit here long enough under centuries old pale white, will time forget me? Gentle tap on the marble tiled floor, slipping through the even cracks. Heavy sigh and a quick tilt of the head to the side. What morbid breath, and yellow gleams could hold all of me in a cage of what's real? Sweet escapes when gentle darkness sweeps me beneath fantasies grip. What blithe and sensual creatures play their charm against my skin, my skull! Sweet sensual light of gold blinds me. Blotches of colors, shapes and lights are all so inviting, so hypnotic. Spellbound and overwhelmed by curious desire. Childhood emotions revive, floating to the surface, grasping for air, for light. What pleasant surprise! The chime of wind and laughter washes over me in a crystal glass. Slim fingers grasp the cool base, flip it right side down and embrace a private personal globe of euphoria. Dust like glitter swirls around inside and out like sprinkling feather soft snow. Nothing but light and warm exuberant apparitions.

Can I stay here forever?